Surprised by Grace (15): A tiny safe place

I was really surprised.
Shocked to be more accurate.

I already gave up on myself—gone fishing, literally.
Forget that I hanged around him for a few years.
Forget that I carried a dagger all those years to protect him.
Forget that I actually used it.
You can forget all those.

I lost all my credits one evening.
Three times.
One cockcrow.
Gone are my pride, confidence, face, respect, honor, everything.

I couldn’t even stand to stare into his eyes at that moment.
I utterly collapsed.
A man became a crybaby.

I thought I was done.
I thought he too was done with me.
Turns out he wasn’t.
And I wasn’t either.

On the seashore that morning He looked for us.
For what reason I never figured out. We already counted ourselves out. We planned to wither. Our lives were already zapped out of ourselves. Just the bodies went fishing.

It was very painful.
When he asked me three times.
In front of all my buddies who stupidly still looked to me for leadership and vision neither of which I still possessed.

How could I reply?
What evidence could I point to as answer?
None, for I didn’t do anything since that evening in the courtyard of the High Priest.
There was nothing that could demonstrate my love towards him!

I once boasted that even all others would fail him I wouldn’t, even to the point of dying for him.
But like the others I fled.
Worse, given the chance, I denied him, three times!

I never wanted to relive that moment.
But he forced me to, asking me three times.
It really pained me.

I had no place to turn.
I knew he knew me, inside out.
I knew he knew my failures.
Yet I knew he knew I loved him.

This was the narrow gap I was standing at.
On one side, past failures.
On the other side, life yet to live. That side has nothing to use as collateral.
Between the two sides a narrow gap.

So narrow.

It’s enough though.

I used Ps 139:4 “you, LORD, know it completely.”
It came out as “Lord, you know all things.” (Jn 21:17)
Of course in context, before a word is on my tongue, he knew was where I failed miserably.

So he knew my failures.
Therefore he must know my heart, where my love still residing at that moment!
The gap was narrow.
But enough for love to reside.
Enough for everything.

That’s all he needed to take my word for it.
That’s all he needed to tell me to follow him.

Grace gave me a narrow gap to stand in.
Past failures and all.
No future to show for yet.
Yet future was given me.

Grace gave it to me.
Pleasant surprise.

Raphael: Christ's Charge to Peter (from Wikimedia Commons)